Night time is hardest

Night time. Alone with my own thoughts. So often I just can't sleep, worrying about what might be. I know I said I wouldn't let it get me down, but it does.

I can't sleep tonight. It's nearly 3 AM and I just can't relax.  I shouldn't be worrying like this, but I am.

Sigh.

I tried reading Dororo for a little while to try to take my mind off things. After a while I couldn't even focus on the manga...I am just too depressed and worried tonight.

I've decided that if I do get the diagnosis of Leukemia, I am going to donate my hair before it starts falling out from chemo. I know Amy will support me in this decision, but her parents won't. Papa Cam will say that shaving my head is "Rediculous" and Mum Lily will say "Just pray that it doesn't fall out."

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE God and believe prayer works, but I think He has bigger things to worry about then whether or not one cancer patient loses her hair. *I* will have bigger things to worry about than my hair. Like geting better, for one thing.

I just realized, I do a lot of things that papa Cam thinks are ridiculous. I don't fit traditional gender rolls for the most part, and that's OK with me and Amy. Shaving my head if I get the diagmosis will just be the icing on the cake. (Wommen who don't shave their legs are ridiculous, long hair on an adult is ridiculous, Amy letting me build things in the back yard is ridiculous...Anything that is out of the ordinary or impractical to Papa Cam's small mind is ridiculous. I think these attitudes are a bit ridiculous, honestly!)

Cabbit (The cat) has been very loving to me lately. He has been snuggling and staying in the same room as me, following me around like a puppy dog. Right now I am on the bed, and Cabbit is on the futon next to the bed looking at me. He knows I am not well and I think he is worried about me.

Well I do need to sleep eventually, so I guess I wil try to lie down again. Amy will be off to do her paper route soon...I miss doing pape routes with her but I've been too sick lately so we had to drop my routes. I used to like hearing the birds in the early morning.

Amy thinnks I am positive and dealing with this well...but I just want to cry sometimes. I don't want to show her my weakness so I don't...She needs me to be strong while she comes to terms with the thought that I might be sick.  I need to be stronger than the pain...I always have been and always wil be. I will get through this and be stronger for it.

But when I'm by myself, like right now, in the middle of the night...it's so easy to feel weak and dwell on the fact I can control so little right now.