Pumpkin Recipes

Amy bought me a pumpkin!

You have no idea how excited this makes me, having grown up in Circleville, home of the Pumpkin Show, where no part of the pumpkin is wasted.

So as I was gutting the pumpkin this morning, Papa Cam asked me what I thought I was doing.

"I am gutting a Pumpkin."
\
"I see that, but WHY?"

"I'm going to make chili-lime pumpkin seeds, pumpkin burgers, and chocolate-pumpkin pudding."

"Wow, that's ambitious."


So here are my recipes. This is the first time I have made these recipes the way they appear here - inspired by recipes from my childhood they are my own inventions.

Chili-Lime Pumpkin Seeds

You need:

Chili powder
Pumpkin Seeds from one large pumpkin
Juice of One Lime
Olive oil or grapeseed oil (about a tablespoon)

Wash and dry the pumpkin seeds. Put them in a bowl with the oil. Sprinkle on chili powder to taste (I like things on the spicy side and used about a tablespoon, but I also had TONS of seeds - about 3 cups of seeds. So about a teaspoon of chili powder per cup of seeds?) add the lime juice. Mix well. Spread on a baking sheet (I line mine with parchment paper) and bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.



Pumpkin Burgers

Despite being called a burger, these are traditionally made similarly to sloppy joes.

You will need:

1 to 1 1/2 pounds of ground beef
1/2 cup of pumpkin puree
salt and pepper
1/2 teaspoon each cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves
1 can of condensed tomato soup

Brown the beef. Add in the pumpkin puree and spices, cook until warmed through. Add the tomato soup and cook until thickened. Serve on toasted buns with fries.


Chocolate-Pumpkin Pudding

This is an American-style pudding, not a British pudding.

1 cup sugar 
1/2 cup baking cocoa 
1/2 teaspoon salt 
4 cups milk 
2 tablespoons butter 
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup pumpkin puree
1/2 teaspoon each of cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves

In a heavy saucepan, combine sugar, cocoa, spices, and salt. gradually add milk. Bring to a boil over medium heat; boil and stir for 2 minutes. Remove from the heat; stir in butter, pumpkin, and vanilla. Mix well. Spoon into individual serving dishes. Chill.

Energy, or lack thereof.

So I'm sitting in the library, Amy is across from me studying her psychology text for a quiz tomorrow. And it occurred to me, I have slept away most of my days for the past couple of weeks, seldom having energy for anything, what on Earth could be making me so tired? It can't be something I'm doing. Earlier today I got up in the late afternoon, ate some mac and cheese and some roasted red pepper crackers, and went downstairs to the bedroom again where I read for a good hour or so, then watched Chasing Rainbows, an hour long documentary by the BC Cancer Agency about young adults with cancer. I recommend it. But even just that, a good two and a half to three hours of barely anything, tired me out. Of course I can't just go back to sleep, by this time Amy has come home and wants to spend time with me, and I with her. But I am EXHAUSTED.

What can I possibly do to bring my energy levels back up? I'm trying desperately to eat right, but there is only so much I can do when everything tastes off and eating more than a tiny amount makes me want to puke and I feel overfull. I'm craving carbs because I need the quick energy. It's terrible.

And that's the thing - food tastes different to me right now. I am hyper sensitive to salt - the mac and cheese, basic Kraft Dinner stuff, was so salty I had to force it down because I needed to eat something other than crackers and candies. Water tastes oddly metallic. Pop always seems flat to me though I still enjoy the flavours. Chocolate tastes metallic. I am relying on my baking class this month - the theme of which is hiding healthy things in traditionally unhealthy foods - to get nutrition, which is not good. Sugar has been my main source of energy for over a week now because I just can't stand the tastes of anything that is not sweet in some way.

I wonder how things will be for this year's national novel writing month. I have so little energy that I wonder if I will be a good Municipal Liaison. I may have to organise things from the background this year and let Leanna and Kali do most of the other work. And thank God we have Kali this year!

I also wonder if I will be able to go to school next year. If it's cancer I will likely still be in chemo when classes start. I will probably not have the energy or strength to do it next year. But that's a fair way away right now, one day at a time right?

One more week until my hematologist appointment.

This weekend according to Mallow

Friday:

Amy took Papa Cam and me to a hockey game. It was Victoria vs. Powell River. It was a very eventful game! Here are the highlights of the evening:

- I got my foot stuck climbing over a seat and badly bruised my ankle.
-I saw my first hockey fight. Amy says I am a real Canadian now.
- Amy and I both won bags of food from Fairway Market
- The Victoria Grizzlies scored the winning goal with 0.6 second left in the game!


Saturday:

Fairly uneventful. It was Mum Lily's birthday so we went out to dinner. As usual I ate very little, but it was good food. Back at home Amy and I watched Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. It was a good fun movie.


Sunday:

Amy and I went bowling with Alan and Kate. It was lots of fun, but very, very tiring. I think I've lost more weight because my pants kept trying to fall down, and Amy won the game.




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On my mind right now:

1. Do people really think that it's comforting, when you tell them you may have leukemia, to tell you about someone they knew who died of it? When this was all starting out, a friend of ours told me about a girl she knew in grade 3 who died of leukemia despite 3 bone marrow transplants. That instills all kinds of hope, doesn't it?!

2. When I was in grade 5, there was a grade 4 girl who had cancer. I saw her at school once, wearing her bald head bravely. I wonder what happened to her, and where she is now.

3. I miss having the energy to do beadwork. Nowadays it seems like even trying to come up with new ideas for pieces takes too much energy out of me.

4. Chocolate covered cranberries are delicious.

Looks like we're back!

Chemo Curls? was offline for about 24 hours. Apparently Blogger's anti-spam robots flagged my blog! I hope we're good to go from now on.

Anyway, how did today go? It was all right. I went to see Dr. Immelman, and she seemed concerned about the level of anxiety I have, especially at night, and the fact that I'm still not eating. But otherwise, she thinks I'm doing well.

After that, and picking up my medication refills, I went home and napped for a couple hours before going to meet one of the other NaNoWriMo Municipal Liaisons, Leanna. We chatted for a good three hours about what we're going to be doing for this year's National Novel Writing Month, and got a lot of work done in that regard.

Then I went home, had some toast and a cup of coffee, and went to take a nap. Now it's nearly 11PM and I am still tired, probably going to go back to sleep. I'm really worried about my energy levels lately.

MishiMallow's Reading List

This is just a collection of books and materials I have found interesting or useful in my quest for knowledge about Leukemia. As I find more valuable resources I will add to the list!

100 Questions and Answers about Leukemia (Book) by Edward Ball
ChemoBrain (Book) by Ellen Clegg
www.WebMD.com search leukemia, they have a whole section dedicated to it
www.stupidcancer.org they have a forum dedicated to young adults with cancer


Also: I recommend Immerman's Angels (search them on Facebook) I haven't participated in their program yet, as I don't have a final diagnosis, but I have been watching them on FB and they seem to have a good thing going on.

Some good news

Yesterday my wig came in. It looks all right, not too much like doll hair (which I was worried about). It fits snug over my hair, and is adjustable so when I lose my hair, I can tighten it, which is good.

Today I called my new hematologist, and when they called me back about an hour and a half later or so, the receptionist pulled some strings for me and got me in on the 25th of this month. That's only two weeks away! I'm so glad to be one step closer to beating this thing, whatever it turns out to be.

Right now I am sitting in the library next to Amy, who is busy doing her Japanese homework. She's having trouble memorizing Hiragana, and I can't blame her. She has to have it all memorized by the end of the week! All 40 characters, how to pronounce them, AND how to write them. I couldn't do that.

Cabbit continues to be a little Nurse Kitty. He is very loving and cuddly and always there with a headbonk when I'm feeling bad.

Amy and I have decided we are going to make Hiragana flash cards for her to study with.

I've just put a hold on My Sister's Keeper, which I've been wanting to read for a while now. I've heard it's really good.

Anyway, I'm going to start on that reading list I promised in an earlier post. I will update again soon!

150 BPM

Amy and I didn't get to go camping - we couldn't find the tent. But we did clean out the sunroom, much to Mum Lily's annoyance!

Also, Grandpa changed his mind about the Christmas gift.

Amy was just laying on me and said my heart is beating at about 150 beats per minute, which is very fast. Normal is about 60-100 BPM. But my heart has always beat fast.

Cabbit has been a good kitty today. It was one of those days when I just didn't have any energy, and Cabbit stayed next to me cuddling the whole time. Except for one point when Mum Lily opened the window, not realizing the screen was gone, and Cabbit tried to jump out to explore the back yard.

Anyway, that's about it. I have to go to the clinic tomorrow to ask if they found me a hematologist yet, since they aren't answering their phone.

I think I need a drink.

These past two days have been a roller coaster of emotion and events. I guess I'l start from the beginning...

Thursday night:

After I published the last blog post, Amy and I went to Zellers and bought some notebooks for her to use at school. We also stopped by electronics and found the perfect Christmas gift for Papa Cam, but we couldn't afford it on our own. Amy got the bright idea to ask Grandma to go in on it 50-50. We bought it because we couldn't get hold of Grandma on the phone (Mistake number one, there are no returns at Zellers because they are closing out.) We then snuck it into the house and hid it under our bed. Then we went to Grandma's place. She agreed to pay half.

We went to the library and did our thing until they closed at 9.

Back at home, I read one of the books I got out. It was a book about Leukemia but I don't recommend it as it is over ten years old and some of the information is outdated - it was Surviving Leukemia: A practical guide. I read it over a couple hours (I'm a fast reader) While reading it, I started developing a severe pain in my lower left stomach. I took Amy downstairs to talk as soon as she'd finished her homework.

Unfortunately, as soon as we got downstairs (Just before midnight) we got a call from Grandpa telling us to tear up the check Grandma had given us, saying that it was too much money to spend on Christmas gifts and they couldn't do it with two rents - assisted living and nursing home - to pay. Obviously this greatly depressed Amy and in my emotional state from reading an outdated book on Leukemia, things went downhill fast.

I ended up telling Amy everything that was on my mind - the pain in my stomach, the headaches being a sign of the cancer getting into the cerebrospinal fluid as I had just read, the fact that I was now convinced I had a couple of months to live if I wasn't treated soon. Amy broke down and cried, then begged me to let her take me to the ER. And so we went.

We spent hours in emergency waiting to hear from the doctor. Only to be told that the blood tests didn't show anything to worry about, that the ER doc didn't think I had leukemia based on the tests (But I can read the orders, you see, and they didn't do a complete blood count, just a basic blood panel and a pregnancy test), and that the doctor thought it was related to my polycystic ovaries. Because sometimes cysts burst and it can be a bit painful. Nevermind that by this time I not only had severe pain in my stomach but a migraine brewing, and was obviously very pale - Amy said I looked pretty sick. We went and did half the paper route, then Amy took me home and picked up her dad for work. I had a sandwich and went to bed, where I dreamed for four hours and woke up at about 10 AM and couldn't get back to sleep.

Friday:

Depressed from the events of the early morning and still feeling tired and sick, I went to my baking class at 1:30 PM. We made blueberry cheesecake cupcakes, but they had spinach and sweet potatoes in them because this month's theme is "Deceptively Delicious" - supposedly there are healthy ingredients you wouldn't expect to find in baking, and you can't taste them in the finished product. The cupcakes were good, but they don't taste like blueberry cheesecake.

After the baking class, we went to see Cirque du Soleil: Quidam. It was fun. I really enjoyed it. But it was hard to follow the story line which I think would have made it much better. Well it was definitely worth seeing once, especially considering the tickets were free.

After that we used a groupon to go to dinner at The Spice Jammer, an East Indian restaurant that is really good, but kind of expensive. I was overfull and honestly felt a little sick because of eating too much - I think my lack of appetite lately has shrunk my stomach. Amy had hers double suicide hot and still thought it wasn't spicy. I think she has burned out half her taste buds! Mine was between medium and hot, and could have been hotter, but because of the stomach issues I have been having I didn't want it the way I usually eat food (Between hot and extra hot) If it came back up I didn't want to burn up! Haha.

Back at home I went to bed fairly quickly. I was tired after all that had happened. Slept till about 4PM when I got up and had a sandwich and checked all my email and facebook and such. Now waiting for Amy to get home from work so we can go see a movie later.

Tomorrow we are going camping for a night - probably to Juan de Fuca beach. It should be fun.

Red High Tops

Today has been a good day so far. Last night Amy and I started watching Star Trek Enterprise because we want to watch the entire Star Trek timeline from beginning to end, chronologically rather than in the order of release. I enjoyed spending the time with her, just laying in the bed watching some Science Fiction. I say I have finally converted Amy to the dark side, she insists she did it herself. But I think if we had not met, Amy would not have become such the science fiction lover she is now.

I also accompanied Amy on the paper route. I didn't actually do any walking or paper delivery, but being with Amy as she drove from route to route, just talking, was fun, and I got to do some thinking and meditation while I waited in the car while she delivered the papers.

After all that, we slept for a few hours. Around 1:30 or 2:00 thereabouts, both of us got up and we made plans for the day. Amy had class (she should be home soon) but after that, we are going to go to the library together. I have some books on hold to pick up as well as several I am finished with that need to go back. (If I don't keep everything in one place and return it as soon as I finish, it gets lost.)

I feel nice today. I took a long warm bath, and when I got dressed I decided I was going to wear something pretty. I have a red blouse on over a black skirt, with my red crinoline underneath it all. And on my feet, what else but my red high top Chuck Taylors? It may not be fashionable, but who cares? I like dressing this way every now and then. It makes me feel feminine and pretty, which can be a hard feeling to grasp when you've been sick.

My wig shipped today, it should arrive around the middle of next week. I hope it's a nice one. It was pretty in the picture, but there's always a worry when you buy online.

I wonder how my family will handle it if I get the diagnosis of leukemia. I am pretty OK with it, it makes sense to me and I am relieved to think that it's something relatively fixable. But Amy still has a hard time with it all and I never really know what her parents are thinking. I also don't talk to my own parents as much as I should, but I've never been one to talk when I don't have anything to say. There's no news to speak of yet, and all my thoughts tend to go here or on Facebook unless they are REALLY personal. I wish I could just read everyone's minds when I want to. Just ask and get an honest, unbiased opinion of how they think of me and my situation...sigh.

I am currently fairly sure it is leukemia. The doctor at the clinic seems to be, as well. I really hope I can be sedated for the bone marrow biopsy, if not completely knocked out...

Currently that's the biggest worry on my mind after how the family will handle it. That damn biopsy. It looks painful, and everyone I've talked to says it is. VERY painful in fact. I wish there was another way to diagnose this thing accurately. I don't want to have the biopsy but I know it is necessary. But I don't handle pain as well as I used to. I think it's because I have so much other pain, everything added on top is just another step towards sensory overload. Bleh.

The Cymbalta is already helping with pain though. My ankles and back are doing much better, Knees hips and shoulders still hurt, but I'll give it time. These things can take a while.

I wonder if I should have this blog made into a book after it's all over? There isn't much out there dealing with young adults and cancer, and I was told by someone else who's been exactly where I am now, that leukemia is one of the hardest cancers of all for people to understand. I think it might help someone to know that they are not alone.

Which reminds me, there's this awesome organisation called I'm Too Young For This. Their website is www.stupidcancer.com and they deal specifically with young adults dealing with cancer. They do a lot of advocacy work as well as having an online support group type of thing. Check them out if you have a chance! I also plan to write up a reading list of the books and websites that help me the most while I continue to do research on this thing.

Anyway, Amy just walked in the door, so I will end this post for now!

Sleepytime

Today was one of those "Can't get out of bed" days. No matter what I did, I had no energy. I woke up before Amy had to go to college and socialised with her a bit, went upstairs, and as soon as she was gone and Mum Lily had gone to work, I lay down on the couch and went back to sleep. Didn't wake up till just before Mum Lily got home from work at 2PM. Amy came home just after and asked if I had done anything today, and did I remember to run the laundry? Nope, I didn't have the energy today.

We talked a bit and I was up for maybe an hour before Amy noticed I was falling asleep in my chair and told me to go downstairs and sleep. Slept until 10PM when I woke up slightly hungry. Made some pasta, and couldn't even eat a whole serving of it. Now I'm writing a blog post, yay!

I looked at the results of my blood work that I had done yesterday. My white cells are slightly higher than they were. They keep creeping up.

I wonder if I should call the clinic tomorrow to ask if they found me a hematologist or not?

I have a nasty headache and am still tired right now...

Poke!

I just got back from the psychiatrist's office. She switched my antidepressant (celexa) with Cymbalta because of the pain I am having. "Essentially it is Celexa with an analgesic." She said. So I said I'd try it. She is worried about me.

Dr. Immelman (My psychiatrist) Said it's normal and understandable that my moods have been low lately. She encouraged me to keep blogging if it helps, and also not to give up on other things that I enjoy. Then she complimented my bracelet and asked if it was one that I had made. It was, and I explained to her the colour-changing properties of the simulated Alexandrite drops. She was impressed and asked about other things I made, so I showed off my ring (A black wire rose) and my magnetic anklet. She thinks I have talent.

So right now I am sitting in a mall food court drinking a large root beer from McDonald's, trying to pump fluid into me as fast as possible, and hand writing this blog post to put up later, because I went to the lab to get my blood work done and they poked me three times and still couldn't get any blood flow out of me. They told me to go and have some lunch, or at least something to drink, and come back so they could poke me again. I told one lady "I am not looking forward to doing this in school next year." She laughed and said "Don't worry, they'll all be old pros by the end of it." Yeah, but what about the beginning? Poke. Poke poke. POKE.

I want to go blackberry picking while I can still eat them. Chances are, if it's leukemia, I will have to go on to a low-bacteria diet, which means no berries or other fresh fruit, no sushi, etc. All the things I love will be GONE.

........Some kid, maybe 17 years old, just walked by with no pants on, just blue boxer shorts with pink cartoon piggies. You get all kinds around here, I suppose.

Sigh

Today has not been a great day. It hasn't even really been a good day. I slept from about 10PM last night until nearly 4PM this afternoon. When I woke up, I had a nasty headache and nausea. I threw up before I even had a chance to eat something. Once my stomach settled a bit, I at half a bowl of cereal - and threw up again. My throat has been hurting too since yesterday. I've started waking up every morning with a new bruise or a random streak of blood - it doesn't even bother me anymore.

Around 6:30 Mum Lily made moussaka for dinner. It's not my favourite (I personally prefer zucchini beef bake) but it's all right. I'm not an eggplant person but the cheese and beef makes it edible. Except tonight I got halfway through eating and had to run to the bathroom to throw up again. Now it's just after 8PM and I am just trying to relax a little, but my moods are everywhere right now too and I am really irritated at SOMETHING. I don't know why I am so on edge but I am.

I did an MSPaint edit of a picture to see what I would look like bald. It isn't pretty. Oh well.

Amy and I going to go to Superstore to see if we can get some french bread to make french bread pizzas later.

Beef noodles

While I was making beef noodles for dinner tonight, Amy bought me a wig just in case. It was 76% off, making the normally $100-something wig about $30. Japanese Kanekalon fibre, capless. It is the wig I chose to match my normal hair style and natural colour as perfectly as possible.

I brought up the issue of fertility today. I may lose any chance of having children if I have to go through chemo. Amy said that she doesn't think it is wise to freeze my eggs because of several reasons: Expense, time, and likelihood that we will be ready to have children before the eggs expire. I am OK with this. We can always adopt later anyway...or be childless. At this point I need to focus on staying healthy until the diagnosis comes.

Beef noodles is one of my favourite dishes. Here is how I make it, it's simple and delicious:

Cut up a small roast into chunks according to preference. While the chunks are cooking in a little olive or grapeseed oil, boil water for pasta. Broad egg noodles are best but macaroni works well too. When the roast chunks are cooked use the remainder of the oil to make a bechamel sauce (You may need to add a little butter. The bechamel sauce is simple - a little fat, a little flour, cooked. Add milk, about a cup. I add fresh garilc. Cook until thickened.) Add the roast back to the sauce. Drain the pasta when it is cooked al dente. Mix the two togehter OR serve the sauce on top of the noodles. Serve with salad or hot vegetables.

It takes about half an hour if you are slow with it :)

Night time is hardest

Night time. Alone with my own thoughts. So often I just can't sleep, worrying about what might be. I know I said I wouldn't let it get me down, but it does.

I can't sleep tonight. It's nearly 3 AM and I just can't relax.  I shouldn't be worrying like this, but I am.

Sigh.

I tried reading Dororo for a little while to try to take my mind off things. After a while I couldn't even focus on the manga...I am just too depressed and worried tonight.

I've decided that if I do get the diagnosis of Leukemia, I am going to donate my hair before it starts falling out from chemo. I know Amy will support me in this decision, but her parents won't. Papa Cam will say that shaving my head is "Rediculous" and Mum Lily will say "Just pray that it doesn't fall out."

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE God and believe prayer works, but I think He has bigger things to worry about then whether or not one cancer patient loses her hair. *I* will have bigger things to worry about than my hair. Like geting better, for one thing.

I just realized, I do a lot of things that papa Cam thinks are ridiculous. I don't fit traditional gender rolls for the most part, and that's OK with me and Amy. Shaving my head if I get the diagmosis will just be the icing on the cake. (Wommen who don't shave their legs are ridiculous, long hair on an adult is ridiculous, Amy letting me build things in the back yard is ridiculous...Anything that is out of the ordinary or impractical to Papa Cam's small mind is ridiculous. I think these attitudes are a bit ridiculous, honestly!)

Cabbit (The cat) has been very loving to me lately. He has been snuggling and staying in the same room as me, following me around like a puppy dog. Right now I am on the bed, and Cabbit is on the futon next to the bed looking at me. He knows I am not well and I think he is worried about me.

Well I do need to sleep eventually, so I guess I wil try to lie down again. Amy will be off to do her paper route soon...I miss doing pape routes with her but I've been too sick lately so we had to drop my routes. I used to like hearing the birds in the early morning.

Amy thinnks I am positive and dealing with this well...but I just want to cry sometimes. I don't want to show her my weakness so I don't...She needs me to be strong while she comes to terms with the thought that I might be sick.  I need to be stronger than the pain...I always have been and always wil be. I will get through this and be stronger for it.

But when I'm by myself, like right now, in the middle of the night...it's so easy to feel weak and dwell on the fact I can control so little right now.

The Clinic Doctor

I was just at the walk in clinic again. I hate complaining but I just can't wait until April for the bone marrow biopsy. So they are going to monitor my bloodwork and see if they can get me in to see a different hematologist. This is good news.

So on Tuesday after the holiday I get to go do my pincushion impersonation again, and they will start calling hematologists. I told the doctor about the new symptoms I was having and he just gave me a sad, sad look. Like we are just waiting to hear the inevitable.

Really I am not worried about it anymore. I will start writing up my wishes in case of the worst, and continue praying for the best.

I am making Kal Pad for dinner tonight. My dad used to make it all the time when I was a kid, except I am making it with ground pork instead of ground beef. I need the comfort food today.

A Strange Kind of Hope

Am I crazy? Maybe a little. No one wants to find out they have leukemia. But a part of me wants to hear those words just so I know what's going on in my body right now.

Leukemia can be fixed, if you catch it quickly. It sucks, it's horrible, and no one who has never gone through it can understand just how bad it is. I get all that. But it's TEMPORARY. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to know that there is an end in sight.

Maybe I can have the doctor at the walk in clinic order the rest of the tests instead of waiting for the hematologist. Or maybe if I get sicker I can get it done in the ER. I know I need a bone marrow biopsy and some more blood work. How complicated can that be?

I just want to know what's wrong, and I'm well prepared for it to be cancer. I'd rather it be that than something that can't be fixed.

Suspecting Leukemia - at 23 years old?!

I am Michelle, I am 23 years old. I live in Victoria, BC. I've been overall contented with life so far, from growing up in small town Ohio to moving here to live with my love, Amy. I am planning to go back to school next September for Medical Lab Assisting.

But recently things changed. I've been getting sick, and nothing seems to help. It started with stomach pain. Severe, hot-poker-through-the-gut stomach pain. I was in the emergency room for it a few times starting last summer. They never found the cause, and assumed it was ovarian cysts. The stomach pain became bearable after a few months, and I eventually forgot about it as it faded into the background - always there, but not at the forefront of my mind. Then the fatigue and joint pain started. There are days when I can hardly get out of bed because my ankles and knees hurt so bad, or because I am just so tired that I need a little more sleep - and end up sleeping till 2 or 3 in the afternoon or even later. There are days when I am up for a few hours only to go lie down for a nap that ends up being another 5 hour sleep.

And the headaches. The most recent, and most terrible, of the symptoms. Horrible, debilitating migraines that don't go away even with powerful anti-migraine drugs. I have been literally bedridden because of the pain on some days.

Not all days are bad - today is a good day. I have a mild headache and my legs hurt, but my energy levels are close to normal. As close as they get these days.

I never would have suspected, though, what I was told at the walk-in clinic a few weeks ago.

"I'm going to refer you to a hematologist. It may be Leukemia and we need to catch it as soon as possible if it is."

I've been doing research since then. Leukemia, particularly the type I may have (Myelogenous or myeloid Leukemia) is not a pretty thing. We already knew that much...but apparently young adults are likely to get the type I may have. They don't know what causes it. I lead a healthy lifestyle - I eat right, engage in light exercise, never smoked and don't do drugs. I am overweight but that is because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which makes it hard to lose weight. I have no known risk factors for Leukemia.

But I feel like I may never know at this point - there is a 7 month waitlist for the hematologist. Everything I've read says that at this stage, I probably don't have that long to wait.

But hey, let's stay positive right?

If it's not leukemia, I'll have no reason to keep up this blog and eventually I'll close it. If I do, well, it's in God's hands and I'm sure I'll be taken care of. I've already picked a wig just in case, and I'm going to make plans for the worst while hoping for the best.

I hope anyone out there reading this who is in a similar situation to mine, can find comfort and peace while they play out the waiting game on a final diagnosis. Keep smiling and don't let it get you down. There are good days and bad days in this - I hope your good days outnumber the bad ones!